“Does Your Child KNOW You Are Listening?”

by Linda M. Manning, RN, LPC-S, RPT-S, RDA
Registered Nurse
Licensped Professional Counselor-Supervisor
Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor
Registered Dental Assistant


This article addresses how to show your child that you are listening and that you understand their point of view. Kids can be very verbal in terms of vocabulary although their cognitive functions are not the same as an adult. Children think and see the world differently than adults. Showing your child that you hear and understand is as simple as repeating back what they said to you. You can also state what you see them doing. This works beautifully with young children. Your older child will look at you funny and ask why you’re talking weird! Your responses have to be more refined to communicate in this way with an older child. Still, acknowledging what your child is saying and telling you lets them know that you "get it".

Of course everyone of any age feels you are listening when your body language shows that you are. That is, stop what you are doing, make eye contact and face your body fully to your child. This indicates that you are truly “present” with them. When your child is telling you something, allow them to get it out in their own way. Then state it back to them. When emotion is expressed, do not hesitate to state what the feeling is. Many parents are tentative to acknowledge a child’s feelings because they fear that it will make it worse. The opposite is usually true. Acknowledging a feeling in a calm, normal tone of voice, lets the child know that you understand and you “get” what they are trying to communicate to you. Just the fact that you “get” it and acknowledge it verbally helps the child feel understood and thus feel better.

Parents first response is often to "fix" the problem or "change" the child's feeling. This will ultimately shut communication down, as seen as the child grows and begins to not feel comfortable telling the parent what they feel. Children have to learn to regulate their own emotions. They do not learn to regulate their feelings when others are always telling them not to feel the way they do. As parents, we tell children not to be sad, angry, hurt, etc. and we think we are helping. In truth, we are usually helping our own feelings. We want to feel needed and helpful and don't want to see our children experience any "negative" feelings. We also don't want to have to address our child's difficult behavior so we attempt to change it.

Remember that acknowledging an emotion does not mean that you agree with that feeling. It is merely a statement showing understanding of what the child is expressing. It is listening. Accepting an emotion also does not mean that you accept all behaviors that go along with it. It’s OK to be angry. It’s NOT OK to break things, hurt or yell at people. Future articles will address setting limits on unacceptable behaviors, while accepting feelings.

So now let’s say you are going to show you are really listening. Let’s say your child brings you a drawing or painting that she has done. The usual adult response is “Oh, that is so pretty”, or “You’re such a good artist”, etc. Adults are usually taught that children need praise to build up their self-esteem. The trouble is that it is overdone and it is NOT what builds a child’s inner sense of worth. These statements do not give the child any constructive information. This only tells the child what YOU like and consequently the child will think it is only safe to show you what you want to see.

Try it this way. Your child brings you a drawing or painting she has done and you begin to describe the drawing with an interested tone of voice (use a normal voice as you would when you are interested in what an adult is saying). “Oh, look, you drew these lines here and you used lots of colors here.” Describe whatever you see in the picture. You can also say, “You decided to use this color”. You don’t have to name the objects in the drawing or ask the child what it is. As you describe it in a simple way, the child will begin to fill in the information about the picture for you. Then you can reflect what they tell you, which shows your interest in their ideas and point of view. And the child will describe the picture from their perspective instead of what they think you want to hear.

Children feel valued and important when you communicate with information and interest in their drawing instead of “What a pretty picture”. When you describe what they have done in the drawing a child gets a sense of accomplishment, “I can do it” or “I did it myself”. This builds a healthy self-esteem based on the ability to do something and to make decisions. Children want to have their abilities recognized. Self-esteem is developed by experiencing your own abilities and having a sense of being valued. When a parent shows understanding, with interest, from the child’s perspective and accepts the child, the message sent is that you are important to me and I am here to listen.

As stated above, accepting emotions and the child’s perspective does not mean that you accept all behaviors. Setting limits and clear boundaries will be addressed in future articles.


Send all parenting and dental questions to Linda at dr.gordon@stroledds.com